


Zero Gravity

by delatrose



Category: Universal Century Gundam
Genre: Dissociation, Gen, Mentioned Lalah Sune, POV First Person, genuinely have no idea what else to tag this, just in case, specifically not romantic char/lalah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 14:00:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21300590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delatrose/pseuds/delatrose
Summary: Some thoughts on why Char came back to the Earthsphere.
Kudos: 2





	Zero Gravity

**Author's Note:**

> this is something! idk what it is really. i just started writing it and i didn't even edit it i just wanted to post a little something. i love writing in first person even tho i know a lot of people hate reading it but it feels more natural in some ways. like you can really get to know a character writing this way, you feel what they feel more deeply. this is v vague and odd perhaps but also a little venty. this is perhaps the most i've ever projected onto char for a story

I wake up and I am alone. I feel nothing, no one. Not even distantly can I feel the heartbeats of the people I’ve come to know. They are all gone and I am alone.

But I’m not alone. The pulse of the universe expands and contracts around me, I am full of it. I am full of the nothing it contains and the amplitudes it conveys. They come to me as waves, rippling through my system and pulling me outwards in every direction. I feel everything.

I take a step and I see my red boots take the journey with me, that I’m still wearing them is somehow bizarre. That I can take any steps at all is somehow unfathomable. But I still have my physical body, I still exist.

“Hello?” I call out. I don’t know who I expect to answer, I am alone, of course. But perhaps now that I’m out here I’m somehow closer to God, if They exist. Perhaps God will answer my call.

But They don’t. Further proof that there isn’t a god in the first place. But then again, I still feel something pulsing through me. It’s grand and powerful and it overwhelms me until I can no longer stand. I may have a physical body, but it seems as though I’m not in control of it. Who is controlling my body? Why can’t I stand up? What is this gravity pulling me back to?

I don’t know if I’m moving, the stars and nebulae all seem the same but the sensation of something tugging me across the galaxy is powerful and it feels as if I am moving. Where would I go if I were to move? When I took that step earlier it felt as if I was moving billions of lightyears but not even a micrometer. Everything is the same, everywhere.

I try to stand up again but all my muscles fail me, I can’t even seem to struggle against whatever’s holding me down. I hate this feeling, more than anything else I hate the feeling of being trapped. And that’s all I feel right now. Trapped. Amongst the endless cosmos that surround me.

The nothingness envelops me, takes me into itself, as if I am a part of it. As I am I cannot fight it. I am trapped in this endless stream of everything that ever was to the point that I feel empty and hollow, devoid of myself and the person I am. Who am I? Was I ever really anything? I remember feeling self-important, as if I was the only person that mattered. Person? No, I no longer feel as if I am a person. I am the universe and the universe is me.

I am trapped here. Spiralling into the deep void of everything. What can I hold onto? What is left of my life to hold onto? I have nothing here. No sense of purpose, no reason. I am nothing.

Out here, I’ve always felt as if I was starting to lose my sense of purpose. From the very moment I stepped onto Axis, no, the moment I killed Kycilia. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, who I’m supposed to be. Do I continue like this? Now that my goal has been accomplished, what can I do? Who can I be?

I have always been trapped. Perhaps this is the natural progression of my life. To become a part of the universe, to become nothing once my goal has been met. I have nothing outside of that.

Understanding this, I relax, let myself be taken by the feeling. It’s terrifying. More terrifying than struggling. There is a darkness that begins to grow within me, cold and brutal as it freezes my heart and spreads throughout my veins. It’s painful, straining my body and soul as I try to stop it. How can I stop it? I want to. I don’t want this. I don’t want to give in. But what’s stopping me? Why shouldn’t I? Why do I want to keep going? What’s the point?

And then I remember her. The feeling of being near her. The comfort of her soul. The relief of knowing I am not alone. That someone exists who truly knows me. To my very core. Someone who believed in me. Believed I had a purpose.

But I can no longer feel her, out here she is truly gone. The connection of her spirit to my world does not exist. And without her I am nothing. I have no proof of my existence. I have no purpose. I just want to feel her again, to sense her presence and feel as if I am real. I want to prove myself to her, to show her that her faith in me is warranted. That is the reason I keep on going.

Space is nothingness, space is empty and vague and there’s nothing out here. No reason to live, no reason to keep going. All I’ve found out here is that I don’t know what to do with myself without humanity. I’m tied to them. Chained to humans as they are to the Earth. And none of the people out here are worth anything. They’re all terrible and horrible and I begin to look at myself in the same way. Am I as bad as they are? Am I as wretched? As greedy?

That’s not what she believed.

I can still feel the ice clinging to my body like a lingering ghost but now that I know how to get rid of it, my struggle is easier. Now I know what I must do, I have my purpose. I can move again, I can feel myself, that I exist. If I can be embraced by her warmth then this heart of mine will thaw, I will be born again. I will become the person she believed in.

If only I can feel her.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed it? idk, comment if you want! kudos are also v nice
> 
> you can reach me otherwise @mechaking on tumblr and @delatrose on twitter


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